In Which Frustrations Abound

07.10.2008

So, I look up the word "подкинуть," in my dictionary and it says "perfective of подкидывать." I'm like, alright, well, whatever, and look for "подкидывать." Next to this word it says "imperfective of подкинуть." ..... Thank you, dictionary. How tremendously helpful of you. Thankfully my host mother has a few dictionaries lying about, so it means "to toss up, to throw up."

What I was kind of originally afraid about this trip is happening. I am speaking far, far too much English. I wish I realised this was happening sooner, but in my total discomfort of an alien world I had to have some sort of connection, some sort of friendship, and at the time the only thing available to me was English-speaking. I wish I could kind of just disconnect myself from everyone else in the program, but clearly that's not going to happen. The people with whom I DO speak, I DO like, and I wish to be friends with them. So, I don't know.

I suppose I could just start speaking Russian with them, but I tend to get impatient with myself and switch to English when I can't say exactly what I want to say in Russian. If I'm speaking with someone I know who speaks English, that is. Which is why I am glad I met Yura and Andrei, since they don't speak English at all (well, Yura speaks a little, but Andrei none at all). Unfortunately I haven't heard from Yura for a week. So basically it's just a stupid cycle of me wasting my time. I'm going to try to contact him this week to see if he's free before the weekend (since I'm going to Pskov this weekend). So, there's that.

Class yesterday, Human Rights, was good. The fact that I only read 11 pages of the 50 didn't seem to be a problem -- and he said I didn't have to finish it unless it were interesting (which it wasn't). I think the Russian girl dropped it, though... which means ... it's just me. and Andrei, the teacher. So, uh, yeah, that's kind of strange. But yesterday I talked a lot, and I answered almost all of his questions correctly (sometimes in English because I simply didn't know how to say it in Russian -- I think he wants some practise in English anyway, so I don't feel bad about this since it's a trade off). He got really excited every time I said something correct. So that was good. And he didn't cut class off too short like he did last week, which is good -- I feel sorry for him because this is his first ever taught class, and no one signed up except a stupid American who doesn't understand anything. But he doesn't seem to mind. Aaaand I have no work for that class this week -- it's a lecture next week.

That being said, I have a damned article I'm reading for my U.S.A and Russia I.R. course tomorrow, and it's only like three pages... and I don't understand a damned bit of it. It's frustrating as hell, and written very strangely. I don't know. A couple people in that class are at a lower level of Russian than I, then the other two are a little better than I am, so we'll see what happens. Oh, and then there's the Russian girl, but she never says anything.

There was a stunningly beautiful girl on the bus, today. I don't really know how to describe her -- It wasn't really a model sort of beauty (though she could definitely be a model) -- it was more a natural, classical beauty. I almost stood up and gave her my seat, but I decided not to reinforce heterosexist norms of behavior.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel like I've hit a plateau in my learning. I feel like there's a barrier in my mind not allowing me to learn any more Russian, or improve in either comprehension or communication. When I listen to the T.V., or listen in on peoples' conversations, I can only understand the structure of the sentences and half of what they're saying -- like, "He understands that we .... and then at that moment .... on Saturday there is a .... I saw that, as well, but when they ...." and so on, so I just get a skeleton of a conversation but the meat of it is entirely not understood. And when I speak, I feel like I speak barely comprehensible broken strings of Russian. I don't know. Yura and Andrei (my teacher, not Yura's boyfriend) said that I speak Russian well. So did some other girl whose name I've forgotten, a while back. But I think that's entirely based on their low standards, thinking that no one except Russians know how to speak Russian. And, neither Yura nor the girl know how to speak English at all, so, I don't know.

Oh, and Pavel hasn't spoken with me for a week. He's also apparently decided he's not going to Pskov. Sooo, who knows what happened there. I wanted to be his friend, but as Liza said "he wanted more, and I just wasn't into that." Or something along those lines. Whatever, I'm not going to lament.

I have a meeting on Thursday, about tutoring in English. So I might get a job, which is good. I won't feel so bad about spending 50 rubles a day on German chocolate that I don't need.

Well, I had planned on ending my evening with a bit of recreational reading and watching of documentary goodness, but it seems that my acacemics are going to consume my life for the time being. My time management has flown out the window. I need to go catch it.